like i said

my darling eddy,

i know that i would rather believe a lie. i want to believe it and i will believe it.
two months ago Mabel, you know, the girl i go to the gym with who has also become my best friend. a sweet person she is, totally harmless, and frail in so many ways, even in the way her brows lift and the light way she laughs. she reminds me of myself before i gained all this weight.

she is adorable. and yet so together, the gym being the only place we concile in the worlds of weight. shes as tinny as a tooth pick and i wonder, Ed, why the gym is her haven... for what?
oh Eddy, from fear. the fear of being beaten again by her husband. she goes for boxing classes and kunfu.
well Mabel is not the issue here. but we have been hanging alot for quite sometime now and her infectious laugh continues to amaze me, at how light she can be even with an eye darkened by continual backhand slaps that she's gotten. her pretty face young and fresh has aged in weeks ,in months
and she is beginning to wear out but her eyes her laugh her smile...are etched in my mind....at how beautiful her soul is and i am buffled that he hits her.
i am stunned to think a man like that does not see the gem he has.the woman she is,a hard worker, a perfect cook, a wonderful housewife, a gentle loving dove, a woman men at the gym continually try to charm. and in their eyes i see their yearning; to hold her, protect her, love her better than her husband. the seem to see her pain but they don't know how to break through the shell shes created. a soft bubble about her that wont prick when you try to get close, no. it simply pushes you off and you still love her in spite of you...even when she is out of reach.
i see them mile around her like ravens, and she's kind and sweet but they get no where.
the issue like i said isn't about Mabel.
its about us.
today, i decided to move on Eddy love.
i admire Mabel for being strong and loving her man, but i cant handle the pain, or the bitterness growing and changing me within that i cant define who i am anymore.
yes i cant cook, no icant be as nice to your friends as you want. i am not the perfect housewife and you knew you were getting that when we got married.
i wanted to give my best but you kept blowing my efforts. i got fat
you said i was lazy and careless. no
i was depressed and tired of you not loving me for me and loving an image of me you created. the me you were in love with and when you took those coloured glasses off, i was there, before you. just me.
no imagery, no illusion
no fantasy dream
just me. and now, the blackness evades my heart, the gangrene eats deeper and i feel sicker, i cant keep living this way and i must go on. get away from you.

well Mabel is totally sweet, i told you and i ache for her now even as i Write you this note, i got a call earlier that was the focal point of this little missive. Mabel, called me and for the first time she broke down. i was taken aback,
she never cried telling me her pain. now she did
she told me she was on her way to the hospital alone.
blood was oozing from her left leg,
a green stick fracture. he hit her so hard she fell over the living room accessory and some how got the injury
i cried with her all the way. she said she was tired
she wasnt strong enough to fight back
but she vented her fight, crying retching and cursing. my beautiful Mable never cursed
but she did.
l mourned with her... then something went wrong.
she was losing it...control of the wheel. there was noise, commotion, then

nothing.
i am still devastated. i know she was on the road to _______ hospital, and i need to see that she is okay because i sensed the accident. the impact numbed me.

i dont want that happenning to me
so i am leaving you Eddy, my love.
i need a doze of sobriety restored within. i need to start all over again.

Katey